On December 23rd, we were enjoying Zoo Lights with family when we received a call from an unknown number. First it came to my cell phone, then minutes later to Justin's phone. Justin called back and was shocked to be talking with a woman who was the executor of the will of our daycare lady. Michelle had been diagnosed with terminal bone cancer and had been sent home on hospice care. She explained that Michelle wanted to call herself, and she may still do so, but we can all imagine how hard that call would be to make. Michelle died less than a week later, on December 28th. We never did get an opportunity to talk to her, or more importantly thank her! I will forever be grateful I left a Christmas card for her the previous week with a brief but sincere thank you note on the back. Regardless, I continue to struggle with the reality that I will never get the opportunity to properly thank her for the profound impact she had on my sons and the wonderful little people she helped them become. Her guidance, discipline, knowledge, activities, and most of all LOVE has helped develop these two little people who are our world. My heart aches, but I pray every night that she finds herself in a better place, and that her soul is a rest.
This reality has put us in a tough place as we try to decide what to do next, and what would be best for our kids and family at this point. We have interviewed, asked neighbors for recommendations, toiled over financial implications, had talks about family planning, learned A TON about the rules and regulations for schools now and later in life, and considered another small in-home environment where everyone knows everyone.
During the last many months, Michelle has had helpers at daycare. These 2 lovely women, Elaina and Tonya, worked part-time so that someone was always there with Michelle, and could provide care while Michelle attended doctor visits. We all adore these women! It has been so easy to leave our kids in their care as they seem so happy to be with them. When we all got the news (they received the same call we did), they worked quickly over their holiday vacations to come up with a plan so that we wouldn't be left without care. They transfered Michelle's stuff to Elaina's parent's house and would provide care through the month of January so we could find a good place for our kids. It didn't take long and they modified their plan to stay "in business" and keep this small group of wonderful kids together. We trust these woman immensely, and we know the deep love they have for Jack and Elijah. Though we had done research in the meantime, we wanted to see what that option would look like. We had the pleasure of meeting Elaina's entire family, who are all so warm and kind. We saw that the new house environment could work, with fun opportunities like feeding the geese at the lake practically in the back yard. However there were concerns. They did not intend to be licensed, which we came to terms with and wasn't really a sticking point for us. But as a result, Reyna, Jack's dearest friend, would be leaving (Jack includes Reyna in his prayer every night without falter, and we met with her mother to duscuss our kids' futures - they really are good buds and we hope to stay in touch wih them).
We began to really weigh pros and cons. We know that love would never be lacking with Elaina and Tonya, our kids would be comfortable in that environment, and their best interest would always be the first concern. But they would have less interaction with kids their age, and they are currently both presenting discipline problems we need to get a handle on. We have had daily discussions (multiple times every day) about every aspect of this decision and how it affects our family, I have had a minor stress headache more often than not, we struggle to focus at work, we worry non-stop about the many lasting results of this decision, I have shed so many tears. But we have finally made a decision. The boys will soon be attending school. We told Elaina today that we plan to move the boys, and I cried the whole time Justin spoke to her. We believe we are making the right decision for them, but I can't help but have doubts and extreme trepidation. I have to believe my hesitations for this new environment are mine, not theirs, and they will do so well and really thrive. That they will make friends. And I really hope to stay in touch with these women, and that we will find opportunities to have them visit our boys.
I am optimistic that this change really is for the best for both boys, but in all honesty, I feel like leaving is losing Michelle all over again. But this time it's not just losing her, it's losing everything that is familiar, losing all that has been relatively easy until now, turning away from their obvious love and sacrifice, all while facing the possibility that we are making a huge mistake. What remains is hope, prayer, and seemingly many more tears.
